I am Sorry

“I am sorry! — but I have never regretted in my life, for the simple reason that whatever I do, I do it wholeheartedly. You regret because you never do things wholeheartedly, you are always divided. Some part of you wants to do it, some part of you is against doing it. If you do it, the part that was against is going to make you regret. If you do not do it, the part that was for it is going to make you regret. Anyway, you are in a fix.

A divided mind cannot avoid regret. He always looks backward, and he always thinks perhaps the other alternative was better. But nothing can be done about it now, except regretting.

I have never regretted in my life, because in the first place, I never do much. To regret, first you have to do something. So, basically, I am a good for nothing: why should I regret? Secondly, if circumstances, situations, are such that I have to do something, then I do it totally. And I never look back because there is nothing to look back for. Whatever I did, I did totally; there is no part of me which can say, ”I was telling you, don’t do it.” So who is going to regret? And whatever has been done cannot be undone. So what is the point of crying and weeping over spilled milk?

So I can say to you I am really sorry — but I am helpless: this is the way I am. And I have enjoyed not doing; I have also enjoyed doing anything totally. There is no reason to regret anything. You regret only because you think that things could have been better. To me, they have always been better. Whatever it was, to me it was the best. I enjoyed it fully.

I am reminded…. I was traveling in a bus. I was going to a place where no buses, no trains were going, so for eight miles I had to go by bullock cart. But some misunderstanding happened. I had to get down at a place eight miles from my destination.

I asked the passenger sitting by my side, ”Is this the right place, the nearest?”

He said, ”No. If you stop at the next stop, it will be easier. It will be closer and you will be able to get a bullock cart. Here, you will not get a bullock cart.” Thinking that he knew that area, I went to the next stop. When I got down there, the bus left, and I inquired.

People said, ”You have missed. It was the last place from where you could have got some vehicle to the place you want to go. From here it will be very difficult, and it is long. And the bus comes only once in twenty-four hours, so if you want to go back to that place you will have to wait. The same bus will come tomorrow.”

Seeing me in difficulty, a man offered me his hut, saying, ”You can stay here for the time being.” I have never been in such a poor place in my whole life. Not only poor, but utterly dirty, stinking. The man used to sell kerosene oil, so it was really awful. He offered me a bed for the night — the bed was smelling of kerosene oil and nothing else.

I could not turn over, because to keep my nose as far away from the bed as possible, the only position was just to lie down straight and look up. But I enjoyed it really — remaining in the same position, looking at the roof, the stink of the kerosene oil all around, bedbugs, mosquitoes… everything that you could conceive to make a man suffer. I laughed.

The man was on the veranda. He said, ”What is the matter? Why are you laughing?”

I said, ”I am laughing because of this little experience of hell. I have always been intending to go to hell; this is a good training! And I promise you that once in a while, whenever I pass through here, I will be your guest.”

He said, ”I was afraid, because although I do this business, the stink is so much that even after doing it for years I have not become accustomed to it. The mosquitoes are so big, the bedbugs are there; and I can see you are not even lying on your side. I know the reason,” he said, ”but I am sorry. I don’t have anything else to offer to you.”

I said, ”Don’t be sorry. I am rejoicing in the whole experience. It is so new to me, and everything that is new is a great adventure and excitement.”

Next day, when I was leaving, he asked me, ”Are you really thinking of coming back again?” I said, ”Certainly.” And I went to his hut at least four times. Whenever I passed through there, I always stopped at the wrong stop, reached the hut. And the man could not believe it: ”Either you are crazy, or something… because now you know where to get down. The first time it was a mistake, but why are you doing it again and again?”

I said, ”I am not making any mistake — I enjoyed that night so much. I could not sleep at all, and I had had no experience of bedbugs, mosquitoes. It is always good to be acquainted with new people. One never knows where one will end up…. New acquaintance is always good. And your kerosene oil makes me feel I am in hell. I don’t know whether there is any hell or not, but I don’t want to miss any experience. Perhaps there is no hell after life; then I will have had this experience. And I am immensely grateful to you.”

Whatever happens, you can always look into it and find something really precious. Now, once in a while sleeping on my back, looking up, I remember and I laugh. That experience has made all my life’s nights far more beautiful. Now the comparison exists. Before it there was no comparison, it was stale: no bedbugs, no mosquitoes, no kerosene.

I don’t regret, I don’t feel that it should have been otherwise. No, whatever has been should have been exactly the same as it has been. And I am perfectly happy with every act and with every consequence, because everything has been a tremendous teaching. It is just that you have to change your outlook, and the whole of life becomes a terrific drama. And you are not victims, you are just actors in it. You can keep your witness untouched by whatever happens. And the witness knows no regret, the witness cannot say, ”I am sorry.”


इस सफ़र में नींद ऐसी खो गई
हम न सोए रात थक कर सो गई …………………………राही मासूम रज़ा

Ees safar meñ niiñd aisī kho ga.ī
ham na so.e raat thak kar so ga.ī……………………….RAHI MASOOM RAZA

The way I lost my sleep in this journey
I couldn’t, but night got tired and slept

While reading the above discourse and when Osho talks about his attitude towards life, I am reminded of this evergreen song composed by Jaidev, written by Sahir Ludhiyanvi and sung by Mohammad Rafi for the film “Hum Dono”(1961)

1 thought on “I am Sorry”

  1. Yes that is what the life is, one learns the value of Heaven if he has experienced the Hell !
    There is always another way of doing things if we get one chance more.
    It is not sure whether every time we do our 100%. Yes the result is a regret.
    Nice way to look at it. Thank you Rajiv bhai.

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