Accidental and Essential of Life

I lost my Mother on Tuesday, 16th March 2021. She was 83. It was so sudden – Heart Failure. Within minutes she departed peacefully. I went into a deep silence. Life time memories flashed before my eyes and there also emerged this story by Osho. I wish to share today.

“A man who has attained to his essential center moves on dancing in different situations. Sometimes it is hot, sometimes it is cold; sometimes it is joy, sometimes it is sadness — but now everything brings him some message from the Whole. Everything has become a messenger.

THIS STORY, today’s story, is a very simple story but very significant. And it always happens that significant things are very simple, and simple things are very significant.

THERE WAS A MAN OF WEI, TUNG-MEN WU, WHO DID NOT GRIEVE WHEN
HIS SON DIED.
HIS WIFE SAID TO HIM:
“NO ONE IN THE WORLD LOVED HIS SON AS MUCH AS YOU DID, WHY DO
YOU NOT GRIEVE NOW HE IS DEAD?”
HE ANSWERED:
“I HAD NO SON, AND WHEN I HAD NO SON I DID NOT GRIEVE. NOW THAT
HE IS DEAD IT IS THE SAME AS IT WAS BEFORE, WHEN I HAD NO SON. WHY
SHOULD I GRIEVE OVER HIM?”

A very simple parable, but tremendously significant, very meaningful. Enter into it layer by layer:

THERE WAS A MAN OF WEI, TUNG-MEN WU, WHO DID NOT GRIEVE WHEN
HIS SON DIED.

It is very difficult not to grieve when somebody you loved so much has died. It is possible only if you have known something of the essential. It is possible only if you have tasted something of the deathless. It is possible only if you have transcended the accidental. He did not grieve; he was not sad. He was not weeping or crying, he was not broken. He remained just the same as he was before. The wife was disturbed. She said:

“NO ONE IN THE WORLD LOVED HIS SON AS MUCH AS YOU DID, WHY DO
YOU NOT GRIEVE NOW HE IS DEAD?”

Ordinarily, this is our logic, that if you love a person too much you will grieve too much when he is gone. The logic is fallacious; the logic has a very deep flaw in it. In fact, if you have loved a person really, when he is gone he is gone; you will not grieve much. If you have not loved the person deeply, then you will grieve very much. Try to understand this.

Your father dies, or your mother dies. If you have loved him totally while he was alive, you will be able to say goodbye to him without any grief — because you loved him. That experience of love was total and fulfilling; nothing is left undone; nothing is hanging over your head. Whatsoever was possible has happened; now you can accept it. What more was possible? Even if he had been alive, what more would have been possible? The experience is complete.

Whenever an experience is complete, you are ready to say goodbye very easily. But if you have not loved your father as you always wanted to, you have not been respectful towards him as you always wanted to, you will feel guilty. Now the father is gone; now there is no way to fulfil your desire — now there is no way to show your respect, your love. Now there is no way, you will feel yourself hanging in the middle, in mid-air, in a limbo. You will not be at ease; you cannot say goodbye. You will cry and weep and you will be broken, and you will say that you are broken because your father is dead, but the real thing is something else.

You are broken because now the possibility to love him, to respect him, is gone. Now there is no possibility — the doors are closed and you have missed an opportunity. The son will cry more if he has not really loved his father. If he has loved his father he will be able to accept the fact — love is very accepting and very understanding.

This is the understanding of all the sages, that while you are loving a person, if you love him totally there is going to be no misery. If you love him totally, if you enjoy and delight in him totally, and the person is gone — of course, one feels a little sad but it is not grief; one misses a little but one is capable of remaining centered, one is not distracted.

And the problem is that now there is no way — what to do with them? You cannot complete them because the person has disappeared. You cannot drop them because incomplete experiences cannot be dropped. It is just like a ripe fruit drops of its own accord. When it is ripe, it drops; when it is not ripe, it is difficult to drop. Whenever an experience is complete, it is a ripe fruit — it drops of its own accord. It leaves no scar behind, no wound.

The wife says: “NO ONE IN THE WORLD LOVED HIS SON AS MUCH AS YOU
DID, WHY DO YOU NOT GRIEVE NOW HE IS DEAD?”

She is giving the argument of the accidental mind. That is the argument of the accidental man: Why don’t you grieve? In fact, the accidental man was not really happy while the person was alive, but he becomes very unhappy when the person is gone.

If you love a person totally, and the experience is complete, has enriched you, you can say goodbye. Of course, there will be sadness but there will be no grief. And sadness is natural. It will disappear in time; it is nothing to be worried about. You will miss the person a little while — natural — but you will not be in grief.

The accidental man says if you don’t cry when a person is dead, that means you never loved him. Now what has happened? There is no grief! What type of love is this?” If you ask me, I say it is because he really loved the child. Now that he is gone, he is gone!

Love is understanding. And love is so understanding that not only does it understand life, it understands death also.

He answered: “I HAD NO SON, AND WHEN I HAD NO SON I DID NOT GRIEVE.”

This is the logic of the essential man. He says: “There was a moment in my life when the son was not there, and I was happy without him. I had known no grief then. Then the son came and I was happy with him. Now that he is gone, I am again in the same situation as before, before he was born. And I was not in grief then so why should I be in grief now?

Again I am in the same situation: the son is not there; I am not a father again. Once I used not to be a father, then I became a father. I am again not a father. Something has happened, disappeared… I am left in the same way as I was before.”

IT IS said about a great sage who was a prime minister: When he was appointed prime minister to a king, he was almost a beggar on the streets. But the news of his wisdom spread, rumors started coming to the palace, and the king started going to him and he was impressed. He was tremendously impressed by the man and his insight — he appointed him his prime minister.

The beggar came to the palace. The king said, “Now you can drop your robe.” Beautiful clothes were ready for him. He was given a good bath; beautiful robes were given to him, ornaments — and as befits a prime minister.

Then everybody became intrigued by the fact that in one room he had something like treasure locked. And every day he used to go, unlock the door — he would go alone, he would not allow anybody inside — lock the door again, and he would remain there for at least half an hour, then come out. Everybody became suspicious: What is happening in that room? What is he having in that room? Is there some conspiracy? Is there some secret? And, of course, the king also became interested.

One day the king said, “I would like to come with you in your private room. I could not sleep last night. I continuously worried about what is there.”

The prime minister said, “There is nothing. And it is not worthy of your eyes. I will not take you.”

The king became even more suspicious. He said, “There seems to be some danger! I cannot allow this to happen in my palace. You will have to take me in!”

The prime minister said, “If you don’t trust me then I will take you in — but then this is the end of my prime-ministership. Then take my resignation and come into the room. Otherwise, trust me and never ask about the room!”

But the king was really suspicious. He said, “Okay, you give your resignation but I am coming into the room.

With his whole court they entered. There was nothing… his old robe. Just the old robe hanging on a nail in the room. They looked around: there was nothing — the room was empty. They said, “Why do you come here?”

He said, “Just to see this robe — to remind me that once I was a beggar, and any day I will be a beggar again. Just to remind me so that I don’t get too much attached to this prime ministership.”

He dropped out of his dress, took his robe. The king started weeping and crying; he said, “Don’t go!” But he said, “Now, enough is enough. You could not trust me, and when there is no trust there is no point in my being here. I must go.”

But he left the palace the same way he had entered one day. Those ten, twelve years he remained the prime minister meant nothing; that was just an accident.

This is what this man is saying: “I had no son, and when I had no son I did not grieve. I never missed this son when he was not there. When I was not a father, I never missed him, so why now should I miss him? Again the same situation has come back: now that he is dead, it is the same as it was before when I had no son. Why should I grieve over him?”

This is the way to watch life. Whatsoever is accidental…

One day you were not in this world! When you were not born, do you remember that you were in any way unhappy? — then why be worried when you die? You will be again in the same state. You were not, and you don’t remember any unhappiness. One day you will again disappear… why be worried? You will be again in the same state: you will not be again — at least not in the way that you are here.

This is what Zen people say: Find out your original face — the face that you had before you were born, and the face that will be there when you are dead. Find out the eternal, and don’t pay much attention to the accidental.

If you can drop out of the accidental, you have dropped out of the world. There is no need to go anywhere: it is an inner attitude.

Osho: A Sudden Clash of Thunder Chapter #3 Chapter title: Why Should I Grieve Over Him? (Excerpts)

मेरी ख्वाहिश है की मैं फिर से फरिश्ता हो जाऊं
माँ से इस तरह लिपट जाऊं की बच्चा हो जाऊं।…………………….मुनव्वर राणा

Meri khwahish hai ke mein phir se farishta ho jaun
Maa se ees tarah lipat jau ki bachcha ho jaun……………………..Munnawar Rana

My desire is to become an angel once again
and to hug my mother in such a way that I become a child again.

Now when I listen to this song from the film “Tare Zameen Par” (2007), I am melting in a tsunami of emotions in my heart – dedicated to my mother and to the universal feeling called “MAA”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mdo_A1Bj67w

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mdo_A1Bj67w

38 thoughts on “Accidental and Essential of Life”

  1. Rajiv,
    Do accept my heartfelt condolences. We are with you in this moment of grief, and will say a little prayer for her. Om Sadgati. Om Shanti.

  2. archita trivedi

    Very well and aptly said. All of you have loved Masiba, looked after her so well and she was always proud of it. She is blessing all of you and will be able to look after all of you. Not once she is worried about as to what will happen to Masaji as she had herself seen how the son and the grand sons are looking after Masaji.

    Those who met Masiba even once felt she paid a special attention to them and got connected to her as if they were special for her. Such was Masiba’s loving nature.

    Masiba taught us to take care with a smile 🙂 and left for heavenly abode with a smile. Now will arrive Chaitri Navratri and we will miss her singing Garba.

  3. JITEN SATYEN VASAVDA

    This is so insightful and overwhelming especially in certain para’s. One can debate or argue but this is the realty and TRUTH. Second this piece and more importantly it’s time to in-still this thought. 🙏🏼🙏🏼

    1. Bhaumik Devanshu Dhebar

      It’s so well written and heart touching words uncle. We both are on same boat at the moment. This will help me too. Thank you and prayers for you and family. God bless you all..

  4. May the Almighty give you strength to overcome this irreparable loss.
    Her blessings will always be with you and your family.

  5. Dear Rajeev, saddened to learn of the departure of your mother… may her soul attain sadgati 🙏

    Also, very nice to see how you have composed yourself and are seeing the event in spiritual light, objectively.

    May your love for your Maa be forever and may she continue to inspire you for your life ahead!

  6. Goodbyes are only for those that love with their eyes for those that love with their heart and soul – for them there is no separation……she rests in peace 🙏

  7. Pratapsingh Patankar

    Dear Rajiv,
    बच्चा बनकर मां को लिपटनेकी क्या जरुरत तुम तो मां के आशीषोंमे लिपटे हो । मां तो चिरंजीव है ।

  8. Siddharth Desai

    Accept my heart felt condolences. May God give you & family strength to bear the irreparable loss. May her Soul attain Sadgati. Om shanti. 🙏
    A very meaning post depicting Love, Death, Grief, Rajiv in this trying times.
    – Siddharth

  9. I have always wondered, how will I feel, react, behave when my parents depart (with the fervent prayer that they do, just the way your mom and all those innocent souls departed, suddenly). Everytime someone loses their parent, the thought arises.

    But I guess, with your piece, I might be inching towards a closure.

    “If you love a person totally, and the experience is complete, has enriched you, you can say goodbye”.

    I guess I will never be able to thank you enough for this.

    Love & With you
    Jignesh Vasavada

  10. “The heart griefs for the loss but the spirit rejoices for what is left !”
    Belated condolences from Brij and family.

  11. URMILAMAMI..
    I feel myself tiniest writing about her. A lady full of emotions, positivity, warmth, grace and love. I literally see my DADI in her.
    We love her immensely and she will continue to be a part of our life as always.
    Her energy and eternal presence will remain irreplaceable for us.

  12. Very interesting and fragrant of a personal experience.

    Such profound thoughts of giving everything when one is alive so that the experience is complete. Why grieve then?

    I also believe that there is a difference between feeling grieved and showing grief. The latter being more pronounced today.

    It’s also acceptance of universal order, a surrender to greater designs as the Saint Narsinh Mehta said Je Gamyu Jagat Guru Dev Jagdish Ne Teh Tano Kharkharo Shu Phok Karvo….

    Under similar conditions on the loss of his son…..

  13. I could see..I could feel..your Pain and emotions translated into words..defined MAA in real basic grammar of life….Vandan to Ma.Urmilamami

  14. Extremely sorry to learn about the sad demise, it is an irreparable loss. We pray for her soul to rest in eternal peace and for you all to be able to manage the deep void. Stay blessed.

  15. Beautifully narrated..Rajivbhai..
    Such a fine line between the accidental and essential mind and being….but so difficult to cross over..we all try to revise/ revisit/ recall/ remember the departed souls of our loved ones with so many peaceful and not so peaceful memories..
    You have given us the direction to scratched the surface of accidental mind..hoping to reach the deep end.
    Together in grief🙏

  16. Great spiritual thought of life which is difficult by human beings in this world which is full of Maya.
    Our deepest condolences for this loss and courage to you and your family 🙏

  17. माता जी के निधन पर शोक व्यक्त करता हूं तथा परमपिता परमेश्वर से प्रार्थना करता हूं कि उनकी आत्मा को शांति प्रदान करे। मां एक पूरा संसार है, वो देवों में श्रेष्ठ एवम प्रथम स्थान प्रदान किया है …..इसलिए कहा गया है, मातृ देवो भव🙏🙏

  18. Kamlesh Ramesh Desai

    The passing away of anyone leaves a void which is extremely difficult to fulfill. Moresoever if you have loved him, the passing away is difficult to accept. I miss my father after 24 years of his passion away and till date cannot accept it. Life has never been the same since.

  19. Many heartfelt condolences on your loss. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
    And while I do understand the point of view, not everyone is strong enough to say they’ve done or loved enough or make peace with a loss. If we love someone, there isn’t a quantum of 💯%, it is infinite and thus you want that person infinitely and hence the vaccum when the person is gone physically.

  20. Gone from our sight, but never from our hearts. Our deepest condolences for this loss and courage to you and your family.

    Great spiritual thoughts of life 🧬

    Love and with you
    Milan Bhujbal and family

  21. Bhawpurna Shraddhanjali to Maaji!

    Beautiful piece. You have evolved as a writer i must say! You are full of spirituality especially when you write, I feel.
    Keep rocking!

  22. Please accept my condolences Rajiv ji.
    May her soul rest in peace.
    Beautiful spiritual thought for life. Thanks for sharing your thoughts so well.

  23. hi rajiv
    sorry to hear about loss of your mother. RIP
    you have explained so well here about the loss of loved ones.
    thanks!

  24. Beautiful thoughts expressed with such simple personal words. In this difficult time in the world, when we are all grappling with different forms of loss and grief, your perspective helps see another way to look at the world.
    Condolences on your mother’s passing, Rajiv. And thank you for sharing this beautiful writing.

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